Well last night was the final breaking point. A LOT of shit went down and it got to the point where I knew I needed to just remove myself from the environment. So I tried several hotels and finally found one. I wasnt 21 so a lot of places I couldn't stay. I spent $75 for a hotel to stay in for less than 12 hours! I hate being alone and on my own. At least the room has a hot shower and a nice bed and even cable

So I have to be out of here in an hour and from there where do I go? My mom hasnt even called to check up on my since I left last night. That's messed up, I couldn't even get a hug from her. She calls me immature and self centered and even manipulative.

Well things didn't go as planed. The paramore concert is in 2 weeks so i am just gonna try and bum places to stay until the concert. Wish me luck!

Here is exactly what the voice mail my birthmom left me says. Man I didnt know me leaving would cause so much drama!!!! I told her yesterday I wanted to leave early because I am very depressed and homesick. This conversation took place after she called the 1st time telling me she wanted me to have my parents pick me up this weekend

You have plenty of time on the phone to bad mouth me to your mom and listen to her bullshit and listen to everybody's bullshit but you wont talk to me and now you gotta let me know that your leaving by a fucking twitter. that's really sweet honey. You know all i am trying to do is get you and heather away from each other as soon as possible. You wanna stay for the paramore concert, fine. Make me be able to afford it, take care of yourself while your there, pay for your food or some other sorce, thats fine. I didnt say i was kicking you out, I said your not gonna use me, okay. Now i wanna make that clear because I cannot afford for you to use me and i dont appreciate the little manipulations i have seen you try to do in the past when you know Im financially in trouble yet you try and manipulate me by telling me little things to try and get me to give you stuff. I will give you examples later cause I am sure you are standing there going "bullshit, what what what?" im not stupid lady, I know what your doing and you wanna be just like your mom and fucking sit over there and fucking bad mouth me. Call me names and whatever, thats fine you can fucking do that but thats not how I want to end it. You know what I mean? I mean I thought this was about you and heather now I am trying to seperate you and heather. Now as far as that stupid concert goes. All I said was Im not gonna be used until then. So if you cant afford, which I assume you cant afford your food and stuff until then you need to have them come get you this weekend. Thats all i said arrange for them to come get you next weekend. Sell your tickets, you can sell a couple of your fucking tickets and stay till the concert if you wanted to pay for your food but you seem to think that your entitled to it even thought I dont have the money for it and that I should let you be a free loader because I gave birth to you. But unfortutnely my situation doesnt work that way and I have other children that I do have to take care of still. Your an adult, your supposted to be an adult and now your not even grown up enough to answer the damn phone because you dont want to talk to me but you want to talk about me to everybody else but you dont want to talk to me. That really sucks, I am at work myself having a hard time dealing with this. And you have not been trying very hard at all. Your like "this isnt what I expected, boo hoo I want to go home, oh but wait i want to stay until after the fucking concert" Now how do you think that makes me feel, have you at all thought about that. Have you thought about anybody but yourself

then i got a text from her just now saying "so ur gonna wait till i have the baby again to stir things up? cant you talk to me so he has a mother tonight?

I really love spending time with my mom but I dont know If i can do it. I HATE arguing with her and the only time we do is because of heather. I am not a good babysitter for her and its evident. Its been a month and nothing has gotten better. I dont want to try anymore and am sick of her behavior and the disrespect she shows me.

Its too hard dealing with her. I have a headache almost everyday from the stress and I am breaking out. This summer was supposed to be fun and I find myself crying at least once a week and missing home way more than I thought I would.

Usually when I am stressed I:
- hang with my dog
- drink a soda
- go to movies with friends
- go to my own room
- watch tv

I cant do ANY of these things! its driving me INSANE I love my mom so much but I dont know how much longer I can live like this. I said I am leaving in September but I might have to leave early. My own happiness needs to come first. I know leaving is gonna break her heart and that will live with me forever but I need to do what makes me happy for once. I always think of others and If I continue to do that with this situation I am gonna burn myself out

Well let me just say this for the millionth time. . . I LOVE PATRICK FLEMING! I mentioned a lot of stuff to him and the whole may not have internet, $35 a week which leaves me with $5 to spend after buying gas, and other things.

So I wake up this morning to $500 in my paypal account from him!



thank you sooooo much baby! Your are my savior and well. . . .the greatest and bestest guy I have ever met. I cant wait till october so i can see you again, and not for only 2 weeks, but for a long long time knowing you wont be leaving again. Its a great feeling. *hugs*

Hopefully the rest of the day will be great

p.s mom wants to talk about something missing in our relationship so that might bring down my mood from the way that she sounded

Turns out my moms bf is having a lot of issues too, too many to discuss. he is even thinking about leaving because of all these issues. he loves her so much but idk what is gonna happen. I know if he leaves my mom will be heartbroken but after talking with him I can understand his reasons.

What the hell is going on with the world? I am becoming more depressed and I am very confused on what I am gonna do. i want to stay here in Cali with my birth mom but I am so stressed out and I feel like she is the only one who wants me here. My lil sis treats me like complete shit and so does my bro. I miss my friends and family and realized if we lose internet I wont even be able to talk to Patrick since he is in Iraq. I need to be able to communicate him.

I might just get a new job, I can not handle babysitting my lil sis. She yells at me all the time and treats me like complete CRAP. I am gonna give it another week but if things dont shape up I quit, I cant handle the stress.

My mom coming down to see me and having me here for the summer is costing her so much money. Damnit i feel like SUCH a burden on her and everyone else. Right now I just want to be hugging my dog taylor, he is good to have when I am crying.

I might lose internet soon. Well with mom on furlough and in debt things are not looking so good. She just told me that if things go the way they do we might not have any internet. With me doing graphic design and clients and what not I NEED internet. I wish I could just help her out with her debt but I barely have any money too. =/

We are already cutting back on food and doing things this summer having no internet would just suck. I mean if thats what it takes to put food on the table im in.

And my paid account on here expires at the end of this month. damn it! As much as I HATE to do this. . . .again. . . I am really in need right now.

As of today. . . . .

29 days until the paramore/no doubt concert

96 days until there new album "brand new eyes" comes out in stores

& 106 days until patrick gets back from Iraq

I'm in a new place, a new way of life,
I'm just trying to avoid that knife.

I want to be loved and everyone to like me,
but im afraid ill be just another fee.

I cant help the way I feel.
All I can do is just be real.

My head is pounding and so is my heart.
I am just waiting for everything to start

My thoughts are running through my head.
I wish I could just stay in my bed.

I feel lonely and rejected.
What's happening, am I infected?

Holding my tongue, trying not to speak,
By doing so, I am not being me

I am constantly stressed, so much to do.
Sometimes it feels like im in a zoo.

I feel helpless, not in control.
Maybe life is finally taking its tole.

Yelling and screaming hurts my ears.
It's bringing back memories and all of my fears.

Our main problem is our lack of money.
Having trouble feeding your own kids isn't the least bit funny.

I keep thinking everything will be alright,
that things will end well and without a fight.

I lie here in bed, wondering so many things.
This violin called life has a broken string.

"If only time flew like a dove,"
I say this as i pray and look to the sky above.

I learned about my real dad today and then to symbolize it my mom took me to get my belly button pierced. Its green and just looks sooo awesome

Hehe He is sooooo sweet, we are gonna get married in a little over a year! I cant wait. And only 115 days till he gets back from Iraq and i am with him! YAY! I love you patrick!

So I was at six flags yesterday with my mom, her bf, my bro, and my little sis Heather. At the end of the day we were leaving and my 7 year old sister wandered off! We were going crazy looking for her and so my moms bf and I went to see if she walked out to the tram on her own. I am texting my friend to tell her what happened and looking frantically for my sis.

Some asshole bumps in to me and steals my phone. I didnt notice right away cause i was distracted but when i did i said he stole my phone and my moms bf RUNS after that guy. They both run over a hedge and he chased the guy for at least half a mile and got it back. I guess he choked the guy out, he totally deserved it. I look 12 so that lowlife essentially was stealing from a kid, how fucked up is that?

I didnt know my moms, moms bf, or bros # so I didnt know what was going on with anyone or anything. I waiting hoping for jerry to get back but he never did so i RAN to my mom at the enterance to tell her what happened to see if she found Heather, but when I got there she was gone. I ran back to see if Jerry was there yet and nothing. I basically proceeded to freak out and hyperventilate. Luckily some guys who saw what happened came over and talked with me and made me feel better.

Thennnnn we are at a gas station maybe 10 mins later and all stressed out and stuff. We get gas and my moms bf is pretty exhausted and drives with the nossel still in. The hose pulls out and now we owe $400, which we dont have. I am already asking for money to help support the family and now we have to pay all this. fml (moral of the story, dont steal from a girl and not realize she has a grown man with her to take you down asshole) Okay my rant is done.

My family is having a lot of trouble right now. My mom is saying that she is even willing to skip meals so we can all eat. We are in debt and I really really want to try and support the family any way I can. So if you have an extra dollar hanging around I would love you forever if you could maybe donate it. I feel bad asking for money but this is the only way I can think of to help out. My bro and I are already looking for jobs. . . very difficult

p.s I totally sold my 1st banner yesterday! heck yes!

Well we have been having a TON of fun and I just wanted to stop by to let you know. If I dont email you back its because I am on the road and can't get to a computer, so If I dont respond by monday pleaseeee comment/message me back. Thank you!!!!!

- p.s the santa cruz boardwalk is soooooooooooooo funnnnnnnn

I mean I have had this account for years and I dont want a new one. I was thinking jennayyyy or something cause I have that for basically everything else. Any ideas? The only thing is i need to buy a $15 re naming token! lameeee

So I am driving my sister to school and there is a guy farther down the road. I couldn't tell but he looked naked

Me: "is he naked?!?!"
Sister "no it looks like he is wearing pants"

So I get home and check my messages and see one from my sister "you were right it was a naked guy. He just got arrested" HAHAHA

God I miss him so much. He is back on the day shift and I havent talked to him in 2 days, we usually talk everyday. I wish it was october so I could see him. Watching all these shows when people are with their love it makes me miss him even more.

I hate knowing I cant hug or kiss him or just be with him, its all through email and IM. I mean sure thats great but its not the same thing

I just wish he could come to my graduation . . .I sent out the invites and he is the one person I want their more than anything.

I love him so much, him being in Iraq is just so hard on me!

this is my arm after todays treatment, it is really swollen and he used this thing that basically burned me, (intense scar removal) so its gonna take a week to heal and it hurts! boooo

im really glad i dont cut anymore, looking at my arm and going through this stuff really makes me sad that i was in such a horrible place!

So I did it, got a tattoo today! It hurt like a bitch but it is sooo freakin amazing. I love it so much! Its a chinese symbol for "to heal" So it means a lot
( pictures of the tat are under the cut )

YAY!!!!!! I will post pics of it when its done! I am sooo freakin excited right now!!!!!!!

Me:"i am the one who gave you the spongebob survial guide in mesa"

Hayley: "hi spongebob survival guide girl, i remember you"